If I Loved You Less Read online

  It was unlike Charlotte to interrupt, and given how odd it was, Theo thought she’d better let her. “Um, sure.”

  Charlotte took a deep breath, as though what she had to say wasn’t coming easy, and Theo’s heart started to race. Had something happened to Austin? To Jim? To someone else? What was with this?

  “Austin left this morning.”

  “How did he find out I was going to have a party for him? Ugh. And honestly, going back to California to avoid celebrating a birthday with your friends seems a little over the top to me.”

  Charlotte blinked at her. “Surprise party? I don’t think he knew anything about a party. Am I supposed to know something about this party?”

  “That’s why I was here, to tell you about it. But maybe you should finish. So, Austin left this morning, and it was allegedly not because he’d heard rumors that I was going to throw him a party. So what was it for?”

  “He left because it’s his birthday. He turns twenty-five today. I’m not sure if he ever mentioned it to you, but his mother and his stepfather had established a trust for him. It was out of his control until today.”

  Austin was a trust-fund baby? Well, not a baby, obviously, since Jim and Marsha certainly hadn’t had a trust for him, but…

  “Okay. I mean, that’s nice for him, but I’m not sure why you seem worried about telling me. It doesn’t really change anything except maybe he can come visit more often since he won’t be so under his mother’s thumb.”

  “Yes, well…” Charlotte’s hands shifted on her mug, and she wouldn’t meet Theo’s eyes. Until, with a blink, she did. “We’re all hoping that’s true. However, you should also know that Austin is engaged. And has been for a while.”

  Charlotte’s attention was riveted on Theo, as though she expected to have to reach for a tissue box or a trashcan, or hide the breakables because Theo might have some kind of freak out.

  “To who?”

  “Well, to Jessica.”

  “Our Jessica? Jessica Lee? How? And what…”

  “Theo, I’m sorry.”

  “Why?”

  Charlotte tipped her head, and her brown eyes narrowed. “Because you and Austin had gotten pretty close. I mean, I know you’ve never been interested in a guy before, but it seemed like you might be interested in him. And with your father and Jim both egging you on, I thought maybe…”

  Ah-ha. Theo shook her head. “No. For a hot minute, I thought I might have a crush on him, but then that was over. I mean, I like him, I like spending time with him and I think he’s fun, but we weren’t going to date or anything.”

  Well, clearly, since Austin was engaged. But if he was engaged to Jessica… That would explain a lot about why Jessica didn’t want to see her or speak with her. All the times she’d flirted or danced with Austin played through her mind like a movie montage, making her sicker to her stomach with every image. If she’d known, she never would’ve… But Austin knew. How could he have behaved like that? Said the things he said? It was a good thing he was on a plane to San Diego or she would’ve hunted him down, pinned him on the ground, and demanded some answers. What a fucking asshole.

  Not to mention that Theo didn’t think Austin realized she wasn’t interested in him like that. What an absolute fuckwad.

  Charlotte looked relieved at Theo’s revelation, but she wouldn’t be when Theo was finished ripping Austin to shreds.

  “But how could he do that? If you thought I might be in love with him, and Jim did too, then he was toying with me thinking that I may very well have had a thing for him? And in front of Jessica? I know he’s your stepson, but I don’t think you can argue with me when I say he’s a complete and utter asshat. What the hell?”

  Charlotte’s mouth pinched in apology, and regret swamped Theo.

  “Look, I know he’s a grown-up, and his behavior had nothing to do with you, but you have to admit that that was a pretty dick move. Flirting with someone he had no interest in and doing it in front of his fiancée?”

  “I know. I don’t understand it either. But apparently they were fighting some and… I don’t really have the whole picture. I’m not condoning his behavior at all, but I’m also not going to judge a relationship I don’t know or understand. Could you maybe do the same?”

  Unlikely. Theo wanted to do more than judge Austin; she wanted to drag him into the ocean and use him for shark bait. But she wouldn’t, because she loved Charlotte and Jim, and Austin had probably learned some of his asshole-ishness from Marsha. It would be hard to grow up with a woman like that and not end up being at all like her. At least there was the hope that, with more time spent with Jim and Charlotte and, yes, Jessica, that he’d become a better person.

  Which was why when Jim came in to offer them some scones he’d made, Theo held her tongue about what a traitorous and manipulative ass-monkey his son was and instead congratulated him on gaining an excellent daughter-in-law. And also took two scones because she really liked peaches and ginger.

  She left Charlotte and Jim’s feeling confused, but also relieved. They seemed happy. Hopefully Austin and Jessica would be happy together. Theo was totally fine with all of this, if bewildered. But there was someone who may not be okay, and Theo was at once not in a big hurry to tell her the news. But she also felt obliged to rush so she wouldn’t hear it from anyone else.

  Poor Laurel. How many times would she lead this poor girl astray? Ugh.

  She knocked on Laurel’s door and braced herself for wailing or an otherwise distraught Laurel in case she had heard already, but what she found was a busy bee, rushing around, tidying up her small place. Maybe this was a stage of grief she just hadn’t reached when Brock broke her heart?

  Theo took a seat on the futon as Laurel flitted around.

  “Did you hear?” Laurel asked.

  “Did I hear what?” Maybe Laurel had some gossip that she didn’t, and that would help to lessen the blow of Austin being engaged.

  “That Austin and Jessica are engaged? Isn’t that odd? I never would’ve guessed they were a couple in a million years. It’s so strange. And if I had a boyfriend who acted like Austin? Whoo boy, he would not be my boyfriend for long, let me tell you.”

  This…did not compute. Laurel should be dabbing at her eyes with a crumpled tissue or stroking whatever objects she’d collected for her crush on Austin and moping over the loss of him. Not flitting about, passing on gossip in chipper tones.

  “So you know?”

  “Oh, yeah. I ran into Jim at the store because he didn’t have enough butter to make his scones, and I had run out of cleaning spray. He was so excited when he told me; it was adorable.”

  “And you’re…okay?” Theo braced herself for a flood of tears as Laurel realized what precisely this meant and that she was, in fact, very much not okay with it.

  “Yes.” Laurel drew out the word with a suspicious tinge to her voice. “Why would I not be?”

  “Because you have a crush on Austin.” Duh.

  “Me? Um, no. Why would you even think that? I’ve never had a thing for him. Not even a little bit. How could you have come up with that?”

  “How could I not have? Do you not remember telling me that he’d rescued you and you were so grateful? And you were never dating again because the guy you had a crush on was so far out of your league? Is any of this ringing a bell?”

  Laurel was now looking at her like she was the one who had gone completely off her rocker. “I think I was pretty careful to say ‘they’ had rescued me and ‘the person’ I had a crush on was out of my league. Because…”

  Laurel bit her lip and sucked in a breath, and suddenly everything came into rather sharp focus.

  “You… Are you talking about Kini?”

  “Of course. I thought you knew that.”

  No, no, Theo had not known that. How could she have? She’d always thought of Laurel as straight, so why would she have a crush on Kini? “No, I didn’t. That doesn’t make any sense. Austin was the one who carried you up to t
he shop after you wiped out on your board. I thought that’s what you meant when you said someone rescued you. And I thought you were using vague pronouns out of some misguided effort to be respectful of me, which I appreciate, I really do, but you can use guy pronouns when you’re talking about a guy. Except…you weren’t.”

  “No, I wasn’t. And when I said someone had rescued me, I meant how Kini had danced with me at the disco party. I felt left out and awful, and then she asked me to dance, and it was… I had a really good time, and I like her. A lot.”

  Theo’s head hurt. None of this made any sense. She felt as though she’d walked into an alternate dimension where everything was upside-down. Next thing she knew, her father would be scarfing down cupcakes while he boarded a plane to fly around the world. What even was going on here? “And…do you think she likes you back?”

  A small, modest smile lit Laurel’s face, and if Theo weren’t so bemused, she would’ve found it charming and heart-warming, because it was a quiet smile, full of confidence and certainty. There was nothing wild about it like Laurel’s feelings had been for Brock. “I do.”

  “Why?” Theo cringed as the word came out of her mouth. She hadn’t meant for it to sound like she couldn’t possibly believe that Kini might find something to like about Laurel. There were so many things! She’d even tried to convince another person of exactly how great Laurel was and didn’t even have to lie to do it.

  What on earth would be so bad about Laurel and Kini being together anyhow? If they made each other happy… Every molecule in Theo’s body revolted against the idea, though. No. Absolutely not. And there was that ugly, niggling question again: Why?

  What would be so terrible about seeing them around town, hand-in-hand? Who was she to protest about their lips meeting, Laurel brushing a bit of stray hair out of Kini’s face, Kini’s strong hands circling Laurel’s slim waist? There was no reason on earth for her to be jealous about the thought of Laurel getting to be the one whose fingertips got to explore the ample curves of Kini’s hips, who would get to know how her skin tasted between her bountiful breasts after a long day at work in the bakery—Theo suspected it would be a salty-sweet mix of flour and sugar with the added tang of sweat.

  And why on god’s green earth was Theo feeling a flush creep up her chest to her neck and face? Why did she have the urge to use her shirt like a bellows to cool off her heated skin? Why, for fuck’s sake, did the idea of it being her doing those things instead of Laurel inspire a whole different kind of heat? One that made it all the way down to between her legs where she’d started to feel her pulse beating heavy at the apex of her thighs?

  It was so much more upsetting to think that Laurel might be in love with Kini than with Austin and to think she might be loved in return. Betrayal—maybe that’s what was burning hot in Theo’s core? That she had fought for her friend’s happiness, only to resent her for it when she may have found it? But she couldn’t imagine being so…distraught if things had worked out with Laurel and Brock. Or Laurel and Austin. Or Laurel and anyone else but Kini.

  Motherfucker.

  The truth punched her in the chest so hard her heart stuttered. Seriously? After all this time? And after believing she was so indifferent? How had it come to this, that she didn’t want Kini to be with anyone else but her? And why had it taken the true threat of someone else having Kini to make her realize it?

  Luckily, Laurel hadn’t realized that Theo was struggling with possibly the most massive internal battle of her life. She seemed to have been composing her thoughts to give an actual answer to Theo’s rudely sputtered question.

  “Why do I think Kini might like me back?”

  As much as the thought made her want to walk into the ocean with rocks in her pockets, Theo nodded.

  “Well, we danced at the party even after other people had started asking me. When I go into Queen’s, she always comes out from behind the counter and talks with me for a while. She tries to make me laugh. The way she smiles…”

  Theo had to blink back tears that were forming in her own eyes, because yes, those things seemed perfectly valid. Not to mention that she knew Kini had revised her opinion on Laurel. Had started to find her more interesting, less vapid, and had mentioned more than once things they all might be able to do in the future, after having believed for quite some time that Laurel was here for a break and nothing more.

  “Also, the other day we were talking at the party, and it almost seemed like she was asking me if I was interested in anyone, but changed the subject when you came over.”

  A slap to the face was added to the punch to the chest. Theo was going to need to lie down with a few figurative ice packs after this. Never had she felt so emotionally battered. She came up with something that gave her a pinprick of hope amongst all the pain and asked, practically begged, Laurel to admit she might be right.

  “Was she maybe asking for Bobby? You did used to have a thing for him, and maybe he’s still got a crush on you.”

  But instead of putting Theo at ease, Laurel scoffed, and the fire inside Theo started again. “Bobby? No way. I know better than to think about him like that. You’re right that he’s a nice guy, but he’s going nowhere. I don’t want to be with someone with no ambition, no stability. And honestly, I never would’ve thought Kini could possibly be interested in me, but you were the one who told me to pay attention and see if there were signs of interest. Which I totally think there have been.”

  “Right.” Theo had to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat, nearly choking on it because it was so thick and painful. She had to work incredibly hard to get the next words out without full-on bursting into tears. “Well, Kini is the last person on earth who would intentionally mislead anyone about anything.”

  Laurel grinned and clapped her hands. “Right?”

  Theo’s whole body trembled with the effort of not letting all of the feelings she was having spill right out of her in the form of cruel words, weeping, and throwing shit. Having a fit was not how grown-ups behaved, but god would it feel good to give in to those childish instincts and let her emotions flood Laurel’s tiny apartment. But the aftermath wouldn’t be worth it, and she truly didn’t want to hurt Laurel, so she held her tongue and tried not to be too obvious about the fact that she desperately needed to get the fuck out of there.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  That night Theo went to bed clutching Mina and trying to muffle her tears in her pillow, so her dad wouldn’t hear her and ask what was wrong. She didn’t want to burden him with these unruly feelings, and she definitely didn’t want to make him worry that she might leave him, because she never would.

  But the extent of her own cluelessness was embarrassing. To have so little understanding of her own mind and attachments was…god, what was wrong with her? That level of detachment and disengagement from her own feelings was practically pathological. What the hell? And here she’d been so certain that she was the one to help other people with their relationships. Not to mention she’d totally overblown how much Austin felt for her. How could she possibly claim to be some sort of expert when clearly she was the most oblivious of them all?

  It shook the foundation of her very understanding of the world, to be shown up in such a way, and made it impossible to get out of bed the next morning. What else had she believed her whole life that would no longer be true? Would the ocean and sky have switched places? Would she not be able to stand on a surfboard to save her life instead of being one of the most competent people surfing the waves in Hanalei Bay? Would her father be frying up some bacon and eggs and pulling biscuits from the oven and heaping them with sausage gravy?

  No, she’d smell that. Her stomach rumbled at the thought, but instead of getting up and heading down to eat whatever her father had made for breakfast—tofu and kale scramble, maybe?—she heaped up her pillows at the head of her bed and yanked her quilt over them to make a blanket fort. She needed one, desperately.

  She also needed to, in the worst way, figu
re out what her own feelings were, since she’d clearly had no clue before. How long had she loved Kini? No, that wasn’t really the question, because she had loved her as far back as she could remember. In so many of the memories she possessed—good and bad—Kini had been there. In the hazy memories of when her mother had died, Kini had kept her occupied and safe while her father and Eliza mourned with more understanding than she possessed. All through school, no matter how painful it had been, she’d known she could go to Queen’s and have a treat while she toiled over math problems and essays, with Kini there to help if she had questions. Whenever she’d been upset and had needed someone to talk to, the back door of the bakery had always been open to her, to come and help Kini bake. And if the bakery was closed, she knew that she could climb the backstairs and be welcomed into the warm apartment above. Always and forever Kini had been there for her, and always and forever she had loved her.

  But this newfound interest wasn’t platonic. Yes, she’d always thought Kini was one of the best of all human beings, had enormous respect for her, and valued Kini’s regard. But somewhere along the line, her feelings had morphed from affection and appreciation to something with an entirely different flavor.

  Desire. Passion. A want to be more to Kini than another responsibility, to give her pleasure. To see, touch, and taste her skin; to hear Kini’s voice murmur in her ear not solely for comfort, but things that would make her squirm with the need to be touched in return. She didn’t want everything to change—she still very much wanted Kini’s help and patience and guidance because she was an excellent person and had wisdom basically leaking out of her pores—but Theo was selfish and wanted Kini’s experience in all other things, too.

  She wanted Kini’s strong hands on her—if she could knead dough like that, what could she do with flesh?—and she wanted the warmth and weight of Kini’s body. She wanted to belong to Kini in ways that she didn’t now, and she wanted to show Kini she wasn’t a kid anymore and had picked up her own set of tricks while exploring with all the transitory people they had on this island. She wanted to use all of that to make Kini gasp and shudder and cry out.