If I Loved You Less Read online

  Looking up—because she wasn’t actually the worst customer service provider in the world—she saw Charlotte. Even after they’d had a couple of days to catch up and things were feeling mostly back to normal, it was still a relief to see her. Especially since she was carrying two to-go cups from Queen’s: one a paper cup that probably contained some kind of dark roast and one a clear plastic that was already sweating in Charlotte’s hand but still showed off the purple liquid inside.

  Shifting a stool from against the wall to the end of the counter, Theo made gimme hands, because Charlotte drank coffee and didn’t have a taste for oddly colored concoctions, even if coconut lavender lemonade was the most delicious thing in the world. Which it was.

  “Thought you could use one of these. You’ve been a little…muted for the past few days. Maybe drinking something technicolor will raise your spirits.”

  Not a terrible idea. It had worked when she was small and bummed out. Charlotte would make her pink cambric tea, or they’d break out the maraschino cherries and turn smuggled ginger ale into fiery red Shirley Temples. Her father wouldn’t have approved then and wouldn’t approve of the violet concoction she was taking a deep draw from now. Oh well. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. At least not her sugar consumption.

  “Thank you,” she finally managed after taking three big sips from the purple-striped paper straw. Kini must’ve known it was for her—she kept those special straws for Theo behind the clear plastic ones everyone else got. “I so needed this. What’re you up to?”

  Charlotte shrugged and took a sip from her coffee. Yep, dark roasted and pungent. Sugar but no cream. Theo could smell it from where she sat. The aroma was comforting, made her think of home and rainy afternoons watching animated movies with Charlotte while Eliza was still at school, or making pillow forts over the weekend while her dad was manning the shop. But she had no desire to actually drink the stuff. Coffee was one of those weird items that smelled delicious and tasted terrible.

  “Wasn’t busy, so I figured I’d come say hi and bring you a treat. Also, a little bird mentioned something about maybe some news you didn’t want to share?”

  Crap. Who had told her what? It was like a coconut wireless version of Clue. Kini in the bakery telling about her failed matchmaking efforts? Ugh, probably. Theo took another sip and let the cold liquid slide over her tongue and around the cavern of her mouth.

  “You know how I was trying to set up Laurel and Brock?”

  “I do.” Thank goodness for Charlotte and her poker face. No judgment here, not like when she’d confessed to Kini.

  “Well, that’s not going to work. Which is fine because Brock’s a jackass who doesn’t deserve Laurel, but I still have to tell her and she’s going to be upset. I’m also going to have to tell her that not only is Brock not in love with her, but he’s into me. Because he’s the worst.”

  Charlotte’s eyebrows went up in the center, matching the curve of her coffee cup. “Being into you makes someone the worst? Then I have got some bad news for you about a whole lot of people on this island and a bunch of people not. Why would you even say that?”

  Theo flopped dramatically. “It’s not that. If people have a thing for me, they generally have the good sense to keep it to themselves. And I don’t mind a little flirting or flattery. This thing with Brock was different. He was kind of trash about me liking women and had to be reminded that no is not an opening gambit, it’s just the answer. Like, no, dude, I don’t want you. The end.”

  “Then you’ll be happy to hear that he’s out of town for a week or so.”

  “Oh, yeah?” Theo pushed up from where she’d starfished onto the smooth wood of the counter. She kept pretty close tabs on people in her social orbit, and Brock hadn’t mentioned anything about traveling when she’d seen him. Why not?

  “Yeah. There was a hospitality industry conference in Las Vegas he’d been on the fence about going to for a while, but then he decided to go. I guess I know why now. Probably turned tail so he could go lick his wounded pride.”

  Charlotte nudged Theo’s foot under the desk to emphasize her teasing, and Theo had to smile. “Yeah, yeah. I hope he doesn’t come back until he’s good and over it because there are only so many hurt feelings I can take at one time. People get so gloomy.”

  “Maybe they need a technicolor beverage to cheer up.” Charlotte offered Theo her cup to cheers, though the paper and plastic colliding would be nowhere near as satisfying as beer bottles or cocktail glasses. But it would have to do.

  “Worth a damn shot.”

  Chapter Nine

  Theo needed some baked goods, STAT.

  Yes, it was only pau hana, and she hadn’t had dinner yet. Plus she’d already had that lemonade this morning, and she’d had a nice big salad for lunch with kale and macadamia nuts and lilikoi and grilled mahi mahi to top it all off, but salad wasn’t comfort food. And dammit, Theo wanted comfort. Needed comfort. The excruciating conversation she’d just had with Laurel had made her feel awful.

  She gave Laurel one last reassuring hug before suggesting her friend go home, get a pint of her fave Roselani, and binge some Netflix and ice cream. Laurel sniffed and rubbed at her red eyes again.

  “I don’t know how I could have screwed this up so badly.”

  Theo chafed Laurel’s arms as her friend’s shoulders heaved with more swallowed sobs. She’d known it would be bad, but wasn’t quite expecting this level of devastation. Yes, Brock had seemed like a good idea, but now that he’d revealed himself to be a complete and utter turd nugget, clearly Laurel was better off without him. “You didn’t screw up. I’m the one who messed up, and I should’ve never tried to set you up with him. He’s low. Like whale-shit low. You’re too good for him, and we’ll find you someone else, okay? Someone way better than Brock Ashley.”

  The only response she got was a wan nod and a last sniff before Laurel dragged herself out the door and toward her apartment a few streets away. Theo checked her watch, and while she’d have to hurry, she could still make it over to Queen’s before her dad would expect her home for dinner. Worth it if she could grab a piece of haupia-and-chocolate pie. Her mouth started to water and her soul started to pine just thinking about it.

  She locked up and headed down the street to Queen’s, not stopping or talking to anyone, even though she knew most everyone she passed. She was on a mission: a mission for pie.

  This time of day, Kini would be out back getting things prepped for the next morning. Also, Theo didn’t feel like dealing with other people. A wave and a smile would do. She liked talking to people usually, had made it her business to be a social butterfly, but right now she didn’t want to make polite small talk. She was weary, and being with Kini didn’t require any effort. So Theo bypassed the front door where she could see half a dozen people sitting at the small mismatched tables with their treats, another half a dozen waiting in line to get their desserts for after tonight’s dinner, and headed straight for the back where she snuck in, not wanting to draw attention to herself.

  Until she saw Kini, who was setting out butter to soften, and then she wanted attention. Wanted to soak in it, be surrounded by someone who cared about her when she was so very, very tired.

  And Kini, with her round, soft body and the apron covered with the tools of her trade—butter and powdered sugar and food coloring and lilikoi butter and almond paste—looked at her and seemed to see beyond what Theo was actually doing. She untied the apron from around her waist, expertly lifted it over her head so it didn’t even ruffle the black-and-silver bun that lay like a cinnamon roll on the top of her head, and spread her arms wide. It was as good as a magnet to draw Theo in, and she went with no resistance, glad to be embraced by Kini’s arms, which were strong from kneading endless piles of dough and stirring interminable bowls of glaze.

  It was comforting, but also somehow forced all of the ick that had been churning in Theo’s stomach out of her in the form of tears. She cried for a good while, until she did
n’t have any more tears to cry. When she was done, there was a handkerchief on offer to dry her face and blow her nose and wring between her fingers while Kini dragged a stool over for her to sit on.

  “This seems like a chocolate-and-haupia-pie-level meltdown. Do you have time for a slice?”

  Theo nodded and sniffed, blew her nose in the handkerchief again. If it came down to it, she could always text her dad, and when he responded that he hoped she wasn’t spoiling her dinner, she’d lie through her teeth. And have an extra helping of wheatberry salad to prove it.

  Kini came back from the walk-in fridge bearing a slice of pie and a small glass of milk. Sat down and let Theo take a few bites before she asked her price.

  “So what caused a pie-level meltdown?”

  Theo took another bite of the pie, cold and silky and sweet on her tongue. The chocolate and the coconut pudding and the graham cracker crust were almost like an island version of s’mores, but better. Especially the custard. She’d like to eat bowls of that while sitting on the beach. Sadly, since she’d cashed in her miser ticket with Kini, she had to explain what it was about.

  “I had to tell Laurel about Brock, and it was awful. She was so disappointed.”

  “Yes, it’s not fun when people are disappointed.”

  Theo felt the dig but couldn’t regret it. Even though Brock had turned out to be a total shit monster, she knew deep down that she could still find a better match for Laurel than Bobby. “I feel really bad about it, okay? Especially when I had to tell her that he wanted to date me, but I refused him. It was, ugh, awful. And my dad’s been harping on me about being careful during lessons again, which is ridiculous. He actually suggested we hire out someone to teach them. Why should we when I’m a good surfer and I’m a good teacher?”

  Kini lifted a shoulder because this was an old and long-running argument. There was nothing to do, really, aside from not cooperate and hope he’d forget or become distracted by some fixation on his own imagined health issues.

  “Also, I’m glad Jim and Charlotte are back, but it’s not the same as having Charlotte right in my backyard. It’s stupid of me, but I miss her and she’s right here. Which I can’t say to my dad because then he’ll go on one of his ‘poor Charlotte’ tears, and I’ll be the one who has to convince him that it’s really not so bad when I’m the one who’s had a bigger loss. Not to mention that Charlotte felt kind of insulted by Austin not spending more time with them when they were visiting.”

  “I’m a bit peeved about that myself. Jim stopped by his first day back and was disappointed. Although, you know him, he pretty quickly talked himself out of being in a funk and onto how much better it would be if they could hold out a bit longer because it wouldn’t have been great timing to have Austin here for the wedding anyway. They would’ve barely gotten to talk to him. So in a while will be better.”

  Yes, that absolutely sounded like Jim. Always so sunny about everything. Which Theo was generally a big fan of, because most people spent too much time being grumpy and oversensitive, but sometimes Jim took things to an extreme, not even noticing slights he should. But that’s part of what made him a good friend, she supposed. He was easygoing to a fault, and if you inadvertently said something stupid that upset him, you had only to wait a few minutes, and he’d be over it. Much like the weather here.

  Kini sighed and continued. “As far as I’m concerned, Austin can stay away as long as he likes. I know you have some kind of obsession about him, but honestly, I don’t think much of him.”

  “How can you say that? You don’t even know him!”

  “And neither do you,” Kini pointed out with a finger. “What I do know is that he’s never, not once, bothered to come out here and see his father.”

  Theo opened her mouth to protest, but Kini cut her off. “I could understand it when he was a kid. Of course if Marsha didn’t want to allow it, then there was no chance of it happening. So Jim went to California. But he’s not a kid anymore, hasn’t been for some time. It’s not like he lacks for money or time. He could’ve made more of an effort, and yet he hasn’t.”

  This too was an old argument, and Theo was prepared with her side of it. “You are the worst judge in the world about this. Some of us have to give a shit about what our parents say for longer than we’d like. You don’t understand dependence at all since you’ve been free of it for twenty-one years.”

  Even in Kini’s round face, Theo could see her jaw flex, something in her temples shift. That was her badly done, Theo look. “Yes, well, not all of us are fortunate enough to have our parents die when we’re eighteen, now are we?”

  Well, fuck. “Kini, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to take over the bakery and make sure Kai got through school and take care of the house and…”

  Yeah. The enormity of what Kini had borne four years after Theo had entered the world hit her all at once. She’d known, of course, but for some reason, she could feel it instead of just see it. She was a terrible person.

  Theo put down her fork, put her hands in her lap, and looked at Kini, straight in the eye, even though it hurt. She was truly sorry, and she needed Kini to know. “I am so, so sorry. That was an incredibly insensitive thing to say, and you deserve so much better than that, especially from me. I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are. But you still have to be better about thinking through what comes out of your mouth.”

  The hard edges were gone from Kini’s face, and Theo knew she’d been forgiven for being horrid. “I’ll try. I’m a work-in-progress.”

  “And probably always will be,” Kini shot back with a smile. “Anyway, I know you’re right about him having obligations I don’t totally understand, but what I do understand is that Austin is an adult. And one thing grown-ups can always choose to do is the right thing. He could choose to do right by his father, and he hasn’t. I don’t like to see my friends slighted, especially when they’re as good of people as Jim and Charlotte. It doesn’t speak well of him that he can’t stand up to his mother. What kind of weak constitution does he have?”

  Kini was usually so reasonable and fair. It was one of the reasons Theo put so much trust in her judgment, and yet here she was, imposing her own—very particular—views on what a “good person” should be like. As if one size fit all.

  “Simply because he’s more sensitive to his mother’s wishes than you would be in his situation doesn’t make him wrong. Not everyone’s spine has to be made of wrought iron. Where would you be if you were surrounded by people as stubborn as you?”

  Theo was trying to tease because the last thing she wanted was to fight with Kini, and yet Kini wouldn’t let it drop. “If we were all right, then I don’t think it would be a problem. And in any case, he may be very amiable and compliant with his mother, but that results in not showing any sensitivity toward anyone else’s feelings and that I have no time and no fucks for.”

  “Well then, when he finally shows up, I won’t feel bad monopolizing his attention since you won’t want to spend any time with him at all. He’s going to be my new best friend, and you’re going to see how excellent he is. Once he gets here, he’ll be very pleasant and will be able to talk to everyone since he’s so easily adaptable. You’ll see.”

  Kini rolled her eyes and reached for her apron to draw it back over her head. “Oh, really? And what’s going to happen to Laurel? You going to bail on her like a disappointing wave? You can’t treat people like projects and blow through friendships because something new and shiny comes along.”

  Theo felt her cheeks flush with heat and was glad Kini wasn’t looking at her while she redid her apron strings. “I’m not going to ditch Laurel. I have an infinite capacity for friendship; I’ll prove it.”

  Kini shot her a doubtful look and opened the fridge to take out cartons of eggs. “Yes, well, you’re going to have to have infinite capacity for whatever health-nut thing your father’s cooked up for dinner. He’ll be wondering wher
e you are.”

  Theo checked her watch to find Kini was correct. It was past time to go, and she’d clearly overstayed her welcome, though she still felt better for having come here. She always did, even if she and Kini couldn’t agree on Austin Winters.

  After clearing her place to the dish bin by the sink, she went up on tiptoe to give Kini a kiss on her cheek as she set out block after block of butter. Theo’s dad would probably imagine he was having a heart attack looking at them all lined up.

  It confused her some that Kini could be so prejudiced against a guy like Austin, who had been as much a part of Hanalei as she had, in spirit if not in actual presence. How could Kini dislike him so much because he handled his affairs differently? It wasn’t like Kini at all to do that. Not to mention that, all this time, Theo had liked that Kini was so self-confident—Kini’s high opinion of herself had always felt deserved—but maybe as a result of being older and having more of her own mind, Theo could see some of the cracks where perhaps Kini wasn’t so perfect after all.

  Chapter Ten

  The week went on uneventfully until Beatrice broke her leg. She’d never been the most graceful person, but even the clumsiest person shouldn’t be able to break their leg stepping off a lanai. The worst part of it was not only would Theo have to go visit her more often because her dad would say she should and Kini would give her the stink-eye—and no treats—if she didn’t, but it also meant that Jessica was coming home. And was going to stay at home for months. Interminable months of having that girl around.

  And, oh, was Theo sorry about that. Beatrice had hobbled into the shop the day before to tell Theo and her dad that Jessica was coming home. Thinking about it now as she shaped the deck of a board she was making for herself, she nearly drove the sander too hard and ruined the whole thing. She only pulled up just in time.